I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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