Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
