My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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