So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
