i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
