I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
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Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
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You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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