So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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