i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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