Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize