Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
