I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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