We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
