Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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