Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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