Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
