So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
