Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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