i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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