yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
