You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
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I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
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Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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