My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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