We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
