i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
