my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
