I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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