It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
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This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
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She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize