i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
