I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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