Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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