Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
