I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
