I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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