If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
