Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
