hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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