He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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