My sheets look like a crime scene.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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