I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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