Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
