he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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