If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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