Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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