Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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