Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize