Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
