I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
