my sisters under your porch take her home
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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