he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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