i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
