I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
