She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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