I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
