smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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