forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
