I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
