ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
