Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
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