why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
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