I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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