What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
