I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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