I didn't shave. On purpose
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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