butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Randomize
