just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
