Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
